One Day Closer...

A Second Time Through The Wardrobe

I only ever auditioned for a play once.

I think I was in high school.
I didn't get the part.




On Sunday morning we arrived a little late for church. We quickly assumed our position at the door. This is our month to be greeters, and we were late. We managed to arrive in time to greet the last five people for third service. Then we quietly filed into some of the last seats, in the second row from the front.

I was thinking about the Sunday before. Our first morning home from Narnia. It's so hard to believe the impact of a single phone call.

And then as I tucked my bulletin into my purse, I felt my phone vibrating.

I recognized the number of our adoption agency. I thought they might be calling to tell me the peanut passed away, and I answered as I quickly walked out of the sanctuary. I stepped out the back door of the church and entered a very different conversation.

The peanut's birthmom was overwhelmed. She still wanted to place the peanut in our home, and she needed this to happen as soon as possible - maybe tomorrow if it all worked out. I promised to talk to Tim, pray, and call back after services.

As I was partaking in this very surreal conversation I noticed our friend, Steve, come around the corner. Every week our church has a man or two walking the halls and property. Just to make sure everything is okay and in order. This was Steve's day. Steve is a good friend. He is one of those people that has an impossibly huge heart. We love his family, they are very special to us - and to the rest of the church.

As I watched Steve walking down the sidewalk in my direction, he stooped to pick up a piece of trash from the grass, and my heart swelled at this small act of love for his church.

My phone call was wrapping up and I was saying good-bye. As those words left my mouth my mind was swimming with the news and my heart was beating through my chest. My whole life jumped the tracks and I was headed in a completely different direction than I was just 5 minutes earlier. My soul was dizzy, and I felt it.

Steve walked up to me and handed me the garbage like it was a gift. I took it, and looked at what he placed in my hand...



and I laughed.

We were back in Narnia.


The next 48 hours were unlike any other I've ever lived.

I spoke with our agency, two Children's Hospitals, Hospice here, Hospice there, a support group for families with this genetic diagnosis, our birthmom, the pediatrician's office, the local social security office, a friend that is a lawyer, and probably half a dozen more people.

At one point we were trying to understand what our role would be, as defined by the law. This was not adoption or foster care, but something different. I was exasperated. I wasn't sure we should move forward, but the same words echoed in my head -

How could we say no?

Tim and I were talking, and I remember the moment like a snapshot. I was walking past him in the kitchen. He was standing at the sink. I asked him some words I don't even remember, and he turned and looked me in the eye

"I'm not doing this to be called Dad, I'm doing this because I am called disciple."

Peace shot through my very core. It settled me like a bucket of water settles a dusty patch of earth. Every point of contention vaporized. It was decided.

We weren't going to say no.


I called the agency back at 9:03 on Tuesday morning and let them know we were in.

They started the ball rolling. Within a couple of hours I got my confirmation. We would pick up the baby the next morning at 11 am. She said "Okay, make your announcement!"

As I sat down at the computer, I had a moment of hesitation.

What if we were in this alone?
What if everyone thought we were nuts?
What if we couldn't provide what this baby needed?

and

How dare I drag everyone else into this?  This was going to be hard. They didn't ask to be a part of this. This wasn't fair to them at all.

But I remembered my verse.

Even if no other person was going to go on this journey with us, God already promised He would. He had called shotgun before anyone else even knew we were going on a ride!

So I typed the announcement on Facebook with this simple request - Anyone have a crib or bassinet I could borrow?

Within half an hour I had my choice of 3 cribs, 4 bassinets, a changing table, a stroller, baby clothes, diapers, butt cream, and a promise of meals. The floodgates opened, and my friends reacted so fast they'd put a SWAT team to shame!

I was completely floored by the excitement, the generosity, and the love of it all.

The Body of Christ is a beautiful thing.

For the first time I allowed myself to believe this would really happen, and I began cramming nine months of nesting into less than 12 hours.

You wouldn't believe how quickly my beautiful home looked like a garbage dump to me. We were going to bring home a sick baby!  I broke out the sanitizer and started spraying everything!

And then the phone rang.

Stop everything. It's not happening. Tomorrow morning is cancelled.

Hospice here was not arranged. Apparently, we needed to bring our own oxygen tanks for the baby - and I'm fresh out of oxygen tanks. Can you believe I don't have any lying around?

But more importantly, this dear birthmom was feeling this was going too fast. She felt rushed. She needed more time to say good-bye.

And my heart broke all over again, for her. I can't even imagine.


So I called off my troops.
And instantly I was exhausted.
And so sick of phone calls.

I fell asleep in Narnia that night, and the next morning woke up in my own bed.
Somehow we found ourselves out of the wardrobe again.


At some point things got rescheduled for next week Thursday.
But this is Narnia we are talking about, and a week is a thousand years. Anything can happen. There is no guarantee we'll ever find our way back.

But that is okay.

Back to the play analogy...

This story is being played out on a stage.
And we are just waiting in the wings. We don't know if we have a role yet, only that the Director has asked us to know our parts and be ready if He calls us on.


I was worried when we were first told we didn't have a role, that perhaps God denied us that privelege because I flinched.

This is not the path I wanted to go down, and I told Him so.
I was ashamed.
I wished I would have responded like Mary.

 

 "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered.
"May it be to me as you have said."
~ Luke 1:38 

I prayed that if He'd give me another chance, I would not flinch.

And I'm still praying.


to be continued....

True Love

After yesterday,
I am still in a state of constant ponderment.

And something I've been turning over and over in my head is Love.

The Love awakened in a barren mother's heart.
The Love encouraged in a birthmother's life.
The Love the hospital staff showered because a baby was wanted.
The Love of friends that prayed so hard.
The Love of Christ that said "Are you coming?"
The Love of God that shows no matter how small a soul, there is purpose.
The Love of the Holy Spirit that guides and comforts.


And earlier today, in the shower (because that is where all great realizations come, isn't it?) I remembered a contrast the Lord showed me many months ago.

This is what the current culture says about Love:


It is sick, it is wrong, and it is blasphemy!



This is what Love really is:


And Andrew Peterson gets it right.
Love is a good thing.
I am so stinkin' proud of that boy - I wish I was an old lady so I could pinch his cheeks and bake him some cookies!  He is a minstel-prophet singing Truth. The world is blessed to have him!

Don't ever allow the world to define Love.

Love is His name.
Love is His character.
Seek truth.
Seek Him.

He will show you the most glorious definition of Love
and you will not be disappointed.

In Which We Visit Narnia

Today is Tuesday. And I'm feeling a bit low.

Why you ask?

Well, because I could have been bringing home a baby today. But I'm not. That always tends to put me in a funk.


On Friday, just four short days ago, we got a call from our adoption agency.

My heart always skips a beat when they call.

 

A baby girl has been born, she is just two weeks old, just an hour from our house. Only 5 lb and 4 oz - just 17 inches long. The birthmother is looking for a family. But there is something we should know... this baby has been born with a genetic anomaly. 90-95% of babies with this condition die within the first year. 50% die within the first month. This condition causes severe mental retardation and physical disabilities. They often have major cleft lips and palates. Sometimes their eyes do not form. Most have 6 fingers and toes on each hand and foot. They have defects in ever major organ and system.

They need a family to take her home and love on her for the short time she is on this earth.

Would we consider it?

 

As high as my heart soared it plummeted.

In following Christ - I imagine the Christian walk much like a path through thick forest. The narrow path like that of the deer, so narrow it is hard to discern at times. Thankfully we have Jesus as our trail guide. Have you ever been at a place in the trail where Jesus pull back the curtain of thick vines and allows you to see a little ways ahead? And when you look - all you can see is devastation and heart break? But as He turns back, His face is calm and confident because He's been through this before - too many times to count. And He calls out gently "Are you coming?" You drop your gaze, and swallow hard. You nod your head and take a step...

 

How could we say no?

 

I needed to call Tim. And our pastor. And we needed to pray.
But could we pray quickly? They needed a family before Tuesday, when the doctors wanted to discharge her.

Tim and I discussed. Could we do this? Is this what the Lord has for us?


How could we say no?

I called our pastor, and he shared some very wise words. And he prayed with me.

I called another friend. One that shares my heart for orphans. We talked a long time. We talked about the sorrow and the joy. We talked about the testimony this child would leave with the world. We talked about living out what we believe and what does that look like?


How could we say no?


Tim and I talked many times over the phone that day. We prayed together and separate so many times. We agreed that if the Lord was placing this in our lap, we would do it.

We talked about medical bills, and our not being prepared for them. We decided this was the sort of thing worth losing the house over.

We talked about how this would break our children's hearts. We decided this was worth being heartbroken over.

We talked about life being turned completely upside down. We decided this was worth being turned completely upside down over.

 

And as every mother does, I started daydreaming about family photos and matching outfits... the nursery and carseats... bottles and diapers.

And like few mothers do, I started daydreaming about memorial services and caskets, graveside visits and what flowers I would plant around her headstone.

 

We agreed to travel to meet the birthmom and baby the next morning. I had to see her before I knew. I had to know more. I had to hold her. I needed it to be real.

We left the next morning, dropped the kids off with some friends, and spent our time in the car talking and praying the whole way.

We were not just praying for ourselves, but for the birth family as well. They were obviously grieving already. We wondered if grieving the loss of placing this baby for adoption was something that would make their burdern heavier when we knew their hearts were longing for it to be lightened?

We arrived and quickly found the NICU. The birthmother was waiting for us with her mother and sister.

We came in, and scrubbed for 2 minutes.

The Birthmom was holding her baby and rocking her. 

It was very heart-warming to see that she is a very beautiful baby. There is  a little narrowing of her forehead, but none of the hard things we could have been dealing with and overall she is a very beautiful baby.  She has beautiful dark eyes and a full head of silky black hair.

We prayed and prayed in the car that the Lord would go before us. That we would be Jesus-with-skin-on to her birthmom. That we wouldn't enter the room, but that Jesus would. And I think He showed up. 

We started by asking her some questions. Just basic "get to know you" questions. To help her feel comfortable. Then asked if she had questions for us, and she had a couple. And then we had some more. Then we just talked a little bit. While this was all going on first she was holding the baby, then her sister was, then I was, then Tim was, then her sister was, then her mom was....  She is such a little peanut! In the middle of all of this I was able to give her a tube feeding as well. The nurse was also there - a dear, sweet, and very knowledgeable young woman. She interjected along all of it and we learned more about this little angel.

She has full affliction of this disease.  That means all of her cells have it, and it also means her life expectancy is shorter than if it was partial (from my limited understanding.)

She does have an extra toe on one foot, but very tiny, and has a polydactyl grip.

We were told she had a hole in her skull, and that when she was born you could see straight through to her brain. She doesn't have just one hole in her skull, she had two. With a larger and longer soft spot as well. But this is healing nicely, and should be covered with skin and finished healing in about 2 weeks. They don't know if the bones in her skull with grow to fill her soft spot. They said they assumed it would.

She has ASD (atrial septal defect) meaning she has a hole in her heart. That is not uncommon. Iris had that too. But most are very small and close on their own within the first few months. They cause a murmur. This baby's hole is so large that there isn't a murmur. This can cause a fluid buildup. The nurse said they already suctioned some from her lungs, and she has done very well since then. She also shared that they would not be fixing it with surgery because of her diagnosis. (common medical practice to not intervene because they don't know how long she will live - and it is considered a waste. That is debatable. More important to us is that we were told she is too fragile for surgery, and it would be too dangerous. )

Her intestines and kidneys appear to be working fine because she is having no problem filling her diapers! {grin}

They did do a brain ultrasound, although the birthmother declined a full MRI. So they only know so much. What they did find is that she was born without a corpus callosum. The nurse said that this affects some children profusely, and others almost not at all. They don't know how it would affect her.

Her right outer ear is split in two. Almost like a cleft, but it was only on her outer ear. She showed partially deaf in one ear, and fine in the other.


And other than that - I think everything is pretty normal.

No cleft palate or lip - which is amazing.

She is on oxygen, just 1/8 of a liter and it will probably be reduced on Monday. She also has an ng tube for feeding because she isn't sucking well. Her tongue seems small and she is a little tongue tied. Other than that she just gets too tired sucking the whole time. Though she does like her pacifier. She has mild reflux, but as long as she is fed slowly she is fine, only a little erping. She didn't at all for me.


A few things struck us on our visit:

~ This family loves their baby. They were very sweet and loving with her, tons of little pet names, and all three - mom, auntie and grandma - were loving on her.
~ This sweet angel responds to her family.
~ Neither Tim nor I felt a huge attachment to her. She is adorable, I was expecting to fall completely in love with her - but it didn't happen. I think God was guarding my heart.
~ I saw it all - the monitors, the holes in her skull, the feeding tube, a diaper change - all of it. Nothing was overwhelming. It didn't seem much above normal infant care to me. It was all pretty minimal stuff. Once again I am thankful for the years I spent studying to be an RN.


Tim and I stayed for an hour and a half and asked a lot of questions, hard ones too. We got to know the story. And they got to know ours. We told them that we didn't want to make any commitments at this time - that we needed to pray more.  And then we asked if we could pray with and for them. Both Tim and I prayed. And then we left.

We walked all the way to the car pretty much in silence.

Once in the car I asked Tim what he thought. He said his overwhelming thought is that the family should be parenting this baby.  Which, shockingly, is exactly what I was feeling.  We prayed again and headed for home. The more we discussed it, the more we felt this is what God was telling us - and we both felt a perfect peace about it. We felt so peaceful I was a little concerned! I thought I would feel strongly or passionately or something! But it was just calm and still waters in my heart. I know the heart is wicked and cannot be trusted, so I was surprised when I searched my heart and came up with nothing. Nada. Zilch. The Holy Spirit was intervening, I am sure.

I called our contact at the adoption agency and told her our impressions. We were driving and it was hard to hear so we agreed to talk later.

So we picked up the kids and headed home. Both of us thinking about the situation constantly - playing every scenario out in our head. Praying. And surprisingly - still calm waters. We were most at peace with neither a yes or a no.

Our agency contact called again later. We talked a long time, and she felt that God was speaking to us. She had talked to the birthmom too by this point. If the family decided not to parent, we were ready to step in, if that was what God wanted us to do. He was going to have to make things more clear though.  Our agency-friend said she was expecting God would have a definitive answer by Monday morning. I laughed out loud. I couldn't help it. There were so many unanswered legal questions on top of all of these, and the lawyers weren't going to call before Monday morning!  She had to run an errand so we hung up.

She called back about an hour later.

The birthmom had called her back Saturday evening. She said after she talked to our agency contact last, she took a long walk. She thought over everything. And...


The birthmom decided to take her baby home! 



We were so thrilled that all of us were on the same page. That we were obeying what God was telling us, and this birthmom was too - although she didn't necessarily know she was obeying the Lord. But she heard His voice, and followed her heart as it called out in love for her daughter.

We didn't have to say no. We have let the agency know that if the birthmom changes her mind, and decides it is all too much, we are very willing to step in.


So this sweet baby angel, with so many odds stacked against her, doesn't have to suffer the loss of her birth family.

This sweet birthmom, who was about to send her baby daughter off with strangers... to die, has been spared having to live with that.

And we got to witness the miracle God has wrought in the life of this family, we even had the privilege of loving on them in the middle of it and the first ones to whisper Jesus' name in this baby's ear. We pray we are not the last.


And today is Tuesday.

Sweet Angel Baby is going home. But it's not our home.


Truthfully, we are still a little dazed.

We feel as if we backed through a wardrobe and found ourselves in Narnia - a magical land where people drop babies in your lap, and life is full of intense and huge decisions. Where you get to see Aslan move and touch his mane!

Then just as suddenly we stumbled back through the wardrobe just 48 hours later and were plopped back into our quiet and normal lives.

No one even noticed we were gone.

But like Mr. Tumnus' handkerchief.. we have proof.


It wasn't just a dream.