A Mile in My Shoes

The Bunny-Squirrel

I've been wanting to write about our "Bunny-Squirrel" for quite a while now.

We have a tail-less Eastern Gray Squirrel that has been living in one of our trees for almost 2 years now.  Well, who knows, she may have been here longer with a tail and therefore indistinguishable from the rest of our squirrelly neighbors?

When we first saw her we weren't sure if she was an ear-less bunny or a tail-less squirrel.  A second glance confirmed the latter.  She definitely lacks some speed and agility since her accidental amputation, but she seems to manage just fine.  She takes about 3 hops, pauses to find her balance, and then continues.

We were thrilled that she survived her first tailless winter, and overjoyed when she survived her second.  I've been trying to get a photo of her, but by the time I dig out my camera she is always out of site.

Except for today.  Today she was working on a task that slowed her down considerably!  I was able to take quite a few shots!  We were also able to confirm that she is a "she", no not because of the super-zoom and my great photography skills (grin), but because today we got to watch her move her babies from one tree to another!

She moved 4 babies in all.  I was getting my camera out of my purse during the first transfer, but caught the next 3 on film memory card.  In the lower right corner shot she had hopped up to our bay window to check out her audience.

If you want to enlarge the photos, you can just click on them.  They'll come up in a pop-up window.

Here's an action shot:

She was moving pretty fast, so it's a little blurry.  But you can just make out her little squirrel feet in the back!

Those babies were pretty heavy.  She was stopping frequently during the fourth transfer.  I think that Little One knew it, you can see those little hands were gripping mama's head pretty tightly!

After all four were moved she popped out of the nest for a little rest and relaxation.  She sunk onto the branch and even laid down her head.  She was spent!  Not 30 seconds later the Little Ones came to find her.

Poor thing! I can certainly relate to that feeling! She got up and moved back to the nest.  The three Little Inquisitive Ones popped in and out for quite a while after that.  I'm guessing Mama and the one Little Shy One were napping.

We had so much fun!  We would have missed it all if our Saturday morning was full of errands, practices, and busyness.  This was a wonderful reward for choosing an unhurried morning!

more info on the Easter Gray Squirrel
squirrel coloring page
another coloring page
Squirrel Nutkin by Beatrix Potter
The Adventures of Chatterer the Red Squirrel by Thornton Burgess

Craving Order

I am organizationally challenged.

Keeping an orderly home has proved to be impossible as challenging as Chemistry was in High School.

I have books upon books on the subject. Multiple web-sites book-marked. (Don't tell me about Fly Lady, I've tried that, it doesn't work for me.)

Recently I have been relying on two resources.  They have proved to be the best help I've had so far on the subject:

1) Clean Hearts, Clean Homes.

I haven't actually gone through the devotions on a daily basis yet.  But everything I've read so far has clicked things in place like they never had before.  I'm sticking with this one!

2) Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping House by Cheryl Mendelson

This is the ultimate Home Keeping reference guide.  The part that make me giddy is that she not only gives a comprehensive "how-to" for everything, she also tells you why and the history of it!!!  She speaks my language!  When I was younger, I was one of those exasperating children that asked "why?" about everything!!!  Knowing why something is done helps me to retain it.  I can make more sense of it.  I have something high-lighted on almost every page of this book.

For accountability's sake, I'm going to share visual proof of my journey here:

 

3 + 1 = 4

You might want to settle down with cup of tea, this story will probably be as long as Iris' (grin)...

Jump one year from that magical date when I became a mother.

Iris was turning one (um, yeah, like I said, jumping one year...).  We were getting ready to sell our home and move an hour and a half away.  Tim was already commuting  to the new area.  I was trying to clean, organize, and fix our house into shape to sell.  Our birthmom (we refer to her by her first name in real life,  I am calling her "our birthmom" for her privacy) was coming to stay with us for a week.  We barely knew each other at this point.

Needless to say, I was stressed.

So it was no surprise to me that I was exhausted.  Just dragging!  I woke up tired.  It was getting to the point that I was sure something was wrong with me.  (Secretly I had convinced myself I had thyroid cancer, you know, because I finally had achieved motherhood it would only make sense to lose it right away.  I know! - warped, huh? - infertility kinda messed up my head.) Plus my cycle was absent, again.  But that was stress right?

I was also getting depressed about our infertility again.  We wanted Iris to have siblings, and the group of new mom friends that I was now spending so much time with were all expecting their second babies.  I felt left in the dust.  Adopting would be so costly.  We were moving.  We had just gone from 2 incomes and no kids to 1 income and a child!  I knew it would be years before we could squirrel away enough money.  A dear friend was doing a Bible study with me at the time and had been praying for me about it all.

I was on my way to my sister's house to drop off Iris one morning.  She and her husband were at the stage where they were trying for a baby and I was bringing her a pregnancy test.  (If you ever need one, call me, I always have one or two on hand.) I had just primed the entire basement the day before.  Today I was supposed to paint it.  It was a Sunday and I was skipping church to get it done.

My sister took her test, and it was negative (her positive came 4 months later).  I was sitting on the sofa with Iris, and I just couldn't get up.  I was completely spent!  And it was only 9 a.m.!  A couple of friends had already suggested I might be  pregnant, but I had just brushed it off.  It was impossible, remember?

But I just couldn't get up!  I figured since I had another test, maybe I should take it.  I mean, if I was going to go into the doctor, it would be the first question they would ask, so I might as well rule it out.

As I set the test on the counter, the small undying hope within me glanced at the results window.

2 lines?!?

Seriously... 2 lines?!?

I walked out of the bathroom, looked at my sister and stammered:

"I think...

I think...

I think something is wrong with this test!"

We both screamed, and laughed, and cried!  There may have even been some jumping up and down.  I called Tim and told him "I can't go and buy the paint, and I can't paint the basement today!"

"Why not?" with an not-understanding, slightly irritated tone.

"Because I think I'm pregnant."

"What would make you think that?"

"Because I took a pregnancy test and it was positive."

(dead silence)

"Are you there?  I'm going to the walk-in clinic for a blood test, OK?  I need to know for sure."

(with a surprised and distracted tone) "Yeah... OK... bye...  (click)"

My sister and I share a few more incredulous giggles and I make off for the clinic.  When I arrive I am told that the wait would be about an hour.  With a bounce in my step and a huge grin I replied "Great!" and I took a seat.  You see, the longer I had to wait, the longer I got to be pregnant.  I was sure their test would come back negative.  So I was more than happy to drag this out as looooooong as they wanted!

After an hour I saw the doctor, for about 30 seconds.  He handed me a lab order for a blood draw.  I went across the hall to the lab, waited some more, they took some blood, I went back across the hall and waited some more, and about 2.5 hours after I first walked in the door I was seeing the doctor again.

He quickly entered the room without looking up from his clip board.  "OK Amy, you are pregnant, so here is a prescription for some prenatal vitamins..."

"What????  Wait a minute, I'm pregnant???  Seriously???? Pregnant?????  Are you sure????"

"Umm..." looks up for the first time.  "Yes."

I explained our infertility issues as I apologized for raising my voice and freaking out.  He congratulated me, shook my hand, and moved on to his next patient.

I walked outside in a daze.

I stopped right outside the doors of the clinic and called Tim.  Grinning ear to ear I told him that I was definitely indeed pregnant.  He replied that he thought he might be coming down with the flu, he didn't feel so good and was laying down.  He thought he was going to be sick.

I called my sister back, I called my mom, and my aunt.  I have no idea what I did the rest of the day, it was a blur.  We weren't going to tell a soul until I was 3 months along.  That lasted about 5 minutes.  Oh, and Tim didn't have the flu, he just needed a moment or two to adjust.  (grin)

The next few months were very surreal to me.  The OB Doctor we went with was a long time friend.  That was wonderful. He knew us, he and his wife had experienced infertility and adoption, and he is a believer.  There was so much that was understood and could go unsaid.

I very quickly became very sick, and the exhaustion continued to be all-consuming.  At my 20 week appointment I was quite large (or so I thought, little did I know!) and had already felt the baby moving for about 7 weeks.  I looked at my Dr. and said "Umm, I think I'm pregnant."  He laughed.

It wasn't until then that I began to believe I was going to have a baby.  I had been convinced it would end somehow.  My fears weren't completely gone, but my present joy was overcoming them.

My heart swelled with love as my belly swelled with life.  Iris was going to be a big sister!

I decided I was going to give birth naturally.

My reasoning was the same as most pregnant moms that decide this ahead of time.  Healthier for the baby, yadda, yadda.  And those were the same reasons I would give when the birth-veteran moms smiled at my reasons with that twinkle in their eye.

But honestly, the real reason was this:  I had waited my entire life for this moment.  Most likely this was going to be my only shot.  I wanted to experience every nanosecond of it.  I wanted every fiber of my body to experience that moment. I needed, desperately, to burn every living moment of Birth onto this page in the history of my life.  Even if that meant the pen used to write it would be the most intense physical pain I'd ever experienced.

And then the day came.  And it was the most intense physical pain I'd ever experienced.

14 hours of labor.  1.5 hours of pushing.  27 stitches.  Countless stretch marks.

A baby boy.

All proof that it wasn't a dream.

While Iris is my excitement, and my partner in adventure; Harrison is my quiet joy and my warm snuggle.

Pondering the blessings the Lord has lavished upon us leaves me speechless.

"He makes the barren woman abide in the house as a joyful mother of children.  Praise the Lord!" ~Psalm 113:9

...to be continued...

Harrison's story will come tomorrow.

I busy was entertaining out-of-town in-laws today!

Happy Belated Mother's Day!

This was my 7th Mother's Day.

Mother's Day for me is more like a Memorial Day.  I can't think of the joy I have today without remembering and paying respects to the battle that earned it.

Seven years ago I had been a mom for just a few days.  We had brought home our first baby that week.  I remember it like it was yesterday...

Six weeks before, on March 22 we got "the call."

It had been a rough road for us.  We had been married for 6 yrs.  Infertility reigned over 5.5 of them.

All my life, my only aspiration was Motherhood.  I bought my first parenting book at a garage sale at age 9.  I took the babysitting course offered by our local hospital the minute I turned 11, and at one point was the only babysitter for 8 different families.   In high school I volunteered in the Parenting Lab (in-school child care for teen moms) and worked at a nearby elementary school doing after school child care.

As I went about choosing my University I told my Guidance Counselor I wanted to apply to whichever schools had the best Pre-Med programs.  "You want to be a doctor?"  "No" I replied, "I want to be a Doctor's wife."  Thinking that would be the only way it would be financially possible to be a stay at home mom. (grin)

I didn't end up marrying a doctor, but I did find a man that also wanted his wife to be a stay at home mom.  So we started our marriage without Birth Control.  I was sure I'd be a mom within a year!

Instead, 9 months later, I was sitting on the exam table of our local fertility expert.  Both my husband and I were diagnosed with medical reasons we would never produce a child between us.  He said, and I quote: "You have a better chance of winning the 40 million dollar lottery than ever getting pregnant.  Even if you never buy a ticket."  And he left the room as I, a mere 21 years old, dissolved into tears.

Fast forward 5 years.

One miscarriage and a long and hard journey later, we had arrived (by the Grace of God) at the Door of Adoption. 

Which proved to be another journey.

We decided on a small Christian agency just an hour from our home.  We completed our Home Study and began our wait.  We were required to put together a "Profile" that would let the birthmother get to know us a little through photos and words.

We only had to wait about 4 months and we were chosen by a birthmom.  We met her, and it was wonderful!  We spoke on a regular basis, and she told us she really felt that God had chosen us to be the parents of her baby.  We were able to visit them the day he was born, and a couple days later.  Then we started visiting him in Foster care.  At the time Wisconsin's laws required the baby be in Foster Care until the birthmother's parental rights were terminated.  The birthmom had a rough time after the baby was born, she just didn't know how attached and in love she'd be with her baby.  We prayed for her and supported her in every way.  It was heart-wrenching, and we kept telling her she had to make the best decision for herself and her baby.  To not even think of us.  I can only imagine how hard that would be and hold her (and all birthmoms everywhere) in the highest regard.  When we were only a couple weeks from bringing him home, we hit a brick wall.  The baby's biological father had been convicted for his part in the conception of this little one and through some legal glitches discovered the baby's existence.  Wanting to maintain control over his victim he had his lawyer manipulate the status of his crime from a federal offense to a misdemeanor, which allowed him parental rights.  He chose to exercise those rights saying the baby could go into the foster care system and he would parent 18 months later after his jail time was served.   He knew full well the birthmother would never hand her child over to the man that raped and beat her.   Our legal system has some serious flaws.

We were visiting the baby we hoped would be our son when we got the call from the Agency.  We spent some time tearfully praying over him with the foster parents... handed him back to them... and left.

After that we were a little numb.  To say the least.  To date, I think it was the most difficult thing I've ever done.

So when we met another birthmother a couple months later we weren't really expecting anything to come of it.  She was so different.  I don't think she said more than her name when she introduced herself.  Later we were told "if" she placed her child it would "probably" be with us.

So when the phone rang on March 22, 2001 I was surprised our agency was at the other end of the line.

"Do you want to meet your little girl tomorrow?"  "The birthmom wants you to come."

It was a whirlwind, and we were in a daze.  Skeptical.

When we got there, we found out the birthmom gave her the name we told her we would want to name a daughter, if we ever had one.  A good sign, right?  Still Skeptical.

We started visiting in foster care.  The social worker said we could get a court date in just two weeks!  But that would be too soon.  4 weeks?  But the social worker was going to be on vacation. 6 weeks?  Yes, 6 weeks.

An eternity.

Each day felt like a thousand years.  I was waiting... holding my breath.  Loving her anyways.  Slashing open the scars on my heart and wrapping her up in it.  I forced myself to feel.  I forced myself to hold on to every second with her.  Never knowing if that moment would be the last.

And then the day came.  We left home to make the 6 hour drive to where we were to pick up our daughter if everything "went well" in court.  Once again there were bio-father issues.  We honestly had no guarantees, and I was half convinced we'd be driving home with an empty car seat.

But our birthmom didn't change her mind.  And out of the most sacrificial, loving, heart-wrenching decision of her entire life, I became a mother that day.  My greatest joy was born out of the depths of her pain.  I was overwhelmed and consumed by guilt and joy. Indescribable joy and mourning for her loss. The reasons behind my tears flip-flopped about every 30 seconds.

And then she left.

And the pastor left.

And the social workers left.

And we were left alone - holding a baby.

I felt like we were stealing.

We drove home and I stared at her the whole time.  She slept.  When we arrived home we took her out of her car seat, sat down on the couch, and just sat there.  Waiting for her to wake up.

I had no idea what to do next!

But we muddled through some-how.

And now she's 7 years old.

And I'm a mom.  I thank God for her every day.

We called her birthmother on Sunday to also thank her.  Because she is now a part of our family too.  I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'll tell you Harrison's story tomorrow.

Planes, Trains, and Deep Transformation

Chicago was fun.

The Truth Project is amazing.

I left packing until Friday morning because I work better under pressure.  Either that or it's my Gift of Procrastination.  I re-checked when we were to register and noted that it said between 4 and 7 pm.

To make a long story short, I called my sister to see if she could watch the kids earlier in the day so we could arrive with lots of cushion time.  It's a good thing I did.  After we dropped them off, we quickly ran back to our home to pick up our luggage and discovered the kids' luggage in the middle of the living room floor?!?

So we made one more trip to my parents' home, dropped the dog off at his sitter's home, and we were on the road.  Just in the nick of time.

We arrived in Chicago at 4, checked in to the hotel, registered by 4:30, went for a bite to eat, and got back to the church by 6:30.  We got a great seat up front.  Chicago is beautiful right now!  Not only do they have leaves... they have blossoms!

The next 24 hours were almost indescribable.

I feel like I would cheapen the whole experience if I tried to put it into words, but at the same time I want you to know how amazing this Project is.

If the saying is true that you only have one chance at a first impression, the Truth Project team at Focus On The Family has taken care of those first few moments.  Everything is incredibly well done.  Consistent.  Well thought out.  Smooth.  "Winsome and Attractive".

Del Tackett is an extremely gifted Teacher.  Honest.  Straight-forward.  Brilliant.  Well-spoken.  Real and Approachable.  It is obvious that he is doing what he is doing because God has laid this on his heart.

We were told that our names had been given to staff at Focus on the Family and that whoever received our name had been praying for us and would continue to do so throughout the conference.  I am sure this, and the prompting of the Holy Spirit, is what contributed to the impact Del's teaching had on me.

Kind of like riding a Roller Coaster of Revelation. 

There were also plenty of light-hearted moments throughout the weekend.  If you go through the Truth Project DVDs you can see that Dr. Tackett is witty, but seeing him in person you get to experience it even more so.  It almost made me wish I was in college again.  I would absolutely love to take one of his classes.

Del wasn't the only one with a great sense of humor.  Gary Alan Taylor was pretty entertaining too, as well as being an incredible resource.

We happened to be staying at the same hotel as the Focus On The Family Staff, and I noticed Gary at breakfast Saturday morning.  I had my knitting with me (it was a 2.5 hour drive down to Chicago - prime knitting opportunity) and I asked Gary if it would be OK if I knit during the conference.  Being a stay-at-home mom, I'm not really used to sitting completely still for an entire day, no matter how intellectually stimulating the content is! He was more than agreeable about it even before I promised I'd be quiet.  Very kind.

After the conference I was thinking about asking Del to pose for a photo with my knitting.  Sock knitters do it all the time.  It's a sock-knit-blogger-thing.

I chickened out.

But I was brave enough to ask Gary.

He kindly obliged, and then he said "what do I do with them?" and put the socks on his head.

Isn't that the very definition of "Winsome & Attractive"?

Seriously though, I am very thankful for the sacrifice of time that these men make to do these training seminars.  I will continue to pray for them and their families as they forge ahead in this ministry.

Go to the web-site.  See if there is a seminar near you.  You will not be disappointed.  The Truths presented will transform your life.

The Truth Project

Tonight we're off to Chicago to attend a Truth Project Seminar.

Del Tackett will be teaching.

I can't wait!!!

Taking time to smell the flowers

Spring Beauty

I just love flowers.

Trout Lily

So delicate.

Another Trout Lily

I could spend hours sitting and contemplating the texture and colors.

Dutchman's Breeches

Dutchman's Breeches
Hanging in a row,
On a tiny clothesline,
In the woods you grow.
Rain and dew will wash you.
Soil and dirt will go away.
Sun and wind will dry you.
On a sunny day.
~Loretta Kuse

Resources:

Wildflowers of Wisconsin Identification site

Wildflower Coloring Pages

Restoration Landscaping (gardening with native plants)

~ Found on a walk in the woods next to my parents' home.

If... Then...

We hope to acquire a piano shortly, which is causing a shift in the delicate balance of our ecosystem.

We have a small home, with a limited amount of space.  A 39 yr old, 33 yr old, 7 yr old and 5 yr old "require" a lot of stuff.  (We are currently conducting research to see if that last statement is, indeed, valid.)

So, the piano would go where the computer desk is, the computer desk will go where the doll house was, the doll house is going next to the little bookshelf, the two bigger book shelves will go under the window,  the TV will go in the nook in our room, the futon will go where the yarn-dresser was  (futon?  Do we have a futon?  No?  IKEA does!), the yarn-dresser will go to a friend's home, the desks will go where the train table was...

Ummm...

Hmmmmm....

Where does the train table go?

(sigh)

We are officially at Capacity. 

Compromise?  The train table is our new living room coffee table.  (shrugs shoulders)  I guess function trumps form once again.  Oh well, there is a long gap between having little kids and having grand-kids, and I'll have plenty of time for a "sitting room" then! (grin)

Quote of the day yesterday:

Harrison:  "Mommy, this is like moving to a new house... 'cept the new house is messy."

Sloooowwwing Dooowwwn

From The Rest of God by Mark Buchanan:

"Someone asked me recently what was my biggest regret in life.  I thought a moment, surveying the vast and cluttered landscape of my blunders and losses, the evil I have done and the evil that's been done against me.

"Being in a hurry,"  I said.
"Pardon?"
"Being in a hurry.  Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me.  I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry.  But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all that rushing."

Through all that haste, I thought I was making up time.  It turns out I was throwing it away."

It turns out I was throwing it away.

Unfortunately, this is a regret that I too can claim.

For example, I found one of the biggest motivating factors for Iris to learn how to tell time was so she could remind me of when we needed to be somewhere - hoping to warn her mama early enough that we could get there "on time."

Another time I get smacked in the heart with this one is when I'm zipping my dear boy's coat and he asks in his s-l-o-w a-n-d e-v-e-n n-e-v-e-r r-u-s-h-i-n-g w-a-y "Mommy, are we in a hurry today?"  Poor sweet boy, always pulled and tugged along behind his ever busy mother and sister....

And then I get another reminder.  And another.

Oh, wait, there's one more.

And then a stroll through my book of quotes:

"The quieter you become the more you can hear." ~ Ram Dass

"Learn to pause... or nothing worthwhile will catch up to you." ~ Doug King

"In the rush and noise of life, as you have intervals, be still.  Wait upon God and feel his good presence; this will carry you evenly through your day's business." ~ William Penn

"Daily I live with one fear - a healthy fear if there is such a thing.  It is that I will miss something God has for me in this life.  And it is mind-expanding to contemplate all that He wants me to have.  I don't want to be robbed of even one of God's riches by not taking time to let Him invade my life.  By not listening to what He is telling me.  By allowing the routine, pressing matters of my minutes to bankrupt me of time for the most exciting, most fulfilling relationship in life." ~ Carole Mayhall

"Whoever is in a hurry shows that the thing he is about is too big for him." ~ Lord Chesterfield

"God made time, but man made haste." ~ Irish Proverb

"Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset." ~ St. Francis de Sales

"We cannot solve the problem of time through the conquest of space, through either pyramids or fame.  We can only solve the problem of time through the sanctification of time.  To men alone time is elusive; to men with God time is eternity in disguise." ~ Abraham  Heschel, Sabbath

"Wherever you are, be all there.  Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God." ~ Jim Elliot

And then I come across people in blog-land that have no choice but to take life one breath at a time.  People like family of Audrey Caroline.

Point taken.

So, if you'll excuse me, I have some children that need snuggling, some dishes that need washing, and some moments that need savoring....