A Mile in My Shoes

3 + 1 = 4

You might want to settle down with cup of tea, this story will probably be as long as Iris' (grin)...

Jump one year from that magical date when I became a mother.

Iris was turning one (um, yeah, like I said, jumping one year...).  We were getting ready to sell our home and move an hour and a half away.  Tim was already commuting  to the new area.  I was trying to clean, organize, and fix our house into shape to sell.  Our birthmom (we refer to her by her first name in real life,  I am calling her "our birthmom" for her privacy) was coming to stay with us for a week.  We barely knew each other at this point.

Needless to say, I was stressed.

So it was no surprise to me that I was exhausted.  Just dragging!  I woke up tired.  It was getting to the point that I was sure something was wrong with me.  (Secretly I had convinced myself I had thyroid cancer, you know, because I finally had achieved motherhood it would only make sense to lose it right away.  I know! - warped, huh? - infertility kinda messed up my head.) Plus my cycle was absent, again.  But that was stress right?

I was also getting depressed about our infertility again.  We wanted Iris to have siblings, and the group of new mom friends that I was now spending so much time with were all expecting their second babies.  I felt left in the dust.  Adopting would be so costly.  We were moving.  We had just gone from 2 incomes and no kids to 1 income and a child!  I knew it would be years before we could squirrel away enough money.  A dear friend was doing a Bible study with me at the time and had been praying for me about it all.

I was on my way to my sister's house to drop off Iris one morning.  She and her husband were at the stage where they were trying for a baby and I was bringing her a pregnancy test.  (If you ever need one, call me, I always have one or two on hand.) I had just primed the entire basement the day before.  Today I was supposed to paint it.  It was a Sunday and I was skipping church to get it done.

My sister took her test, and it was negative (her positive came 4 months later).  I was sitting on the sofa with Iris, and I just couldn't get up.  I was completely spent!  And it was only 9 a.m.!  A couple of friends had already suggested I might be  pregnant, but I had just brushed it off.  It was impossible, remember?

But I just couldn't get up!  I figured since I had another test, maybe I should take it.  I mean, if I was going to go into the doctor, it would be the first question they would ask, so I might as well rule it out.

As I set the test on the counter, the small undying hope within me glanced at the results window.

2 lines?!?

Seriously... 2 lines?!?

I walked out of the bathroom, looked at my sister and stammered:

"I think...

I think...

I think something is wrong with this test!"

We both screamed, and laughed, and cried!  There may have even been some jumping up and down.  I called Tim and told him "I can't go and buy the paint, and I can't paint the basement today!"

"Why not?" with an not-understanding, slightly irritated tone.

"Because I think I'm pregnant."

"What would make you think that?"

"Because I took a pregnancy test and it was positive."

(dead silence)

"Are you there?  I'm going to the walk-in clinic for a blood test, OK?  I need to know for sure."

(with a surprised and distracted tone) "Yeah... OK... bye...  (click)"

My sister and I share a few more incredulous giggles and I make off for the clinic.  When I arrive I am told that the wait would be about an hour.  With a bounce in my step and a huge grin I replied "Great!" and I took a seat.  You see, the longer I had to wait, the longer I got to be pregnant.  I was sure their test would come back negative.  So I was more than happy to drag this out as looooooong as they wanted!

After an hour I saw the doctor, for about 30 seconds.  He handed me a lab order for a blood draw.  I went across the hall to the lab, waited some more, they took some blood, I went back across the hall and waited some more, and about 2.5 hours after I first walked in the door I was seeing the doctor again.

He quickly entered the room without looking up from his clip board.  "OK Amy, you are pregnant, so here is a prescription for some prenatal vitamins..."

"What????  Wait a minute, I'm pregnant???  Seriously???? Pregnant?????  Are you sure????"

"Umm..." looks up for the first time.  "Yes."

I explained our infertility issues as I apologized for raising my voice and freaking out.  He congratulated me, shook my hand, and moved on to his next patient.

I walked outside in a daze.

I stopped right outside the doors of the clinic and called Tim.  Grinning ear to ear I told him that I was definitely indeed pregnant.  He replied that he thought he might be coming down with the flu, he didn't feel so good and was laying down.  He thought he was going to be sick.

I called my sister back, I called my mom, and my aunt.  I have no idea what I did the rest of the day, it was a blur.  We weren't going to tell a soul until I was 3 months along.  That lasted about 5 minutes.  Oh, and Tim didn't have the flu, he just needed a moment or two to adjust.  (grin)

The next few months were very surreal to me.  The OB Doctor we went with was a long time friend.  That was wonderful. He knew us, he and his wife had experienced infertility and adoption, and he is a believer.  There was so much that was understood and could go unsaid.

I very quickly became very sick, and the exhaustion continued to be all-consuming.  At my 20 week appointment I was quite large (or so I thought, little did I know!) and had already felt the baby moving for about 7 weeks.  I looked at my Dr. and said "Umm, I think I'm pregnant."  He laughed.

It wasn't until then that I began to believe I was going to have a baby.  I had been convinced it would end somehow.  My fears weren't completely gone, but my present joy was overcoming them.

My heart swelled with love as my belly swelled with life.  Iris was going to be a big sister!

I decided I was going to give birth naturally.

My reasoning was the same as most pregnant moms that decide this ahead of time.  Healthier for the baby, yadda, yadda.  And those were the same reasons I would give when the birth-veteran moms smiled at my reasons with that twinkle in their eye.

But honestly, the real reason was this:  I had waited my entire life for this moment.  Most likely this was going to be my only shot.  I wanted to experience every nanosecond of it.  I wanted every fiber of my body to experience that moment. I needed, desperately, to burn every living moment of Birth onto this page in the history of my life.  Even if that meant the pen used to write it would be the most intense physical pain I'd ever experienced.

And then the day came.  And it was the most intense physical pain I'd ever experienced.

14 hours of labor.  1.5 hours of pushing.  27 stitches.  Countless stretch marks.

A baby boy.

All proof that it wasn't a dream.

While Iris is my excitement, and my partner in adventure; Harrison is my quiet joy and my warm snuggle.

Pondering the blessings the Lord has lavished upon us leaves me speechless.

"He makes the barren woman abide in the house as a joyful mother of children.  Praise the Lord!" ~Psalm 113:9

John Piper on the subject of Adoption

In 5 days...

In five days, at 4:20 a.m. (I'll be ready, Paulette!) I'm leaving for Vicente Guerrero, Mexico!

View Larger Map

If you click on the plus sign in the upper left hand corner, you can zoom in. For those of you that have been there before, you'll be able to see the mission, just zoom close and pan right....

I'll be spending a week volunteering at Foundation For His Ministry.  It's an Orphanage in the Mexican Baja.  I've wanted to go on this trip for quite some time.  Members of our church go every year, and this is the first year I've been able to work out to go.  There will be a team of about 25 people going. 

I've been getting some stuff together.  Clothes for me (I've bought a lot at Goodwill, so that when the week is over, I can just leave it down there to be distributed to those in need) and toys for the kids.  Dear Diane from our local toy store (Tinker Tailor, on the riverfront) has graciously and generously donated many things for me to take with.  Our wonderful knitting group has knit over 50 little hats for us to distribute at the orphanage.  I just found a link for those that might want to knit something for the children in the future!

There is a video you can look at here that shows a glimpse of what FFHM does.  Just click on whichever version you want to watch.
 

Other than that, I have no idea what to say!  I have no idea what I'll be doing there, there are so many things that go into running an orphanage-clinic-macadamia nut orchard-kitchen-community outreach-wheelchair ministry!  I could be doing anything!

I'm planning on taking a ton of photos!  Check back after Feb. 2nd and I'll have some posted!  Please pray for us while we are there, especially health and safety.  Pray for our families too.  I don't think Harrison has much of a clue that is life will be upside down for a week (a friend will be watching them while Tim works.  They've never done any day care of any kind, but they do adore our friends where they'll be staying.)  Iris mentions it pretty often.  Several times a day.  She can get herself pretty worked up about things, so it will be interesting to see how she reacts to this.  She cries when I go "up north" for a few days.

I'm going to have a little note for Tim to read them each morning from me, and a little something for them to unwrap at the same time.  Snacks, little toys, something like that.  I'm also going to give them something of mine to hold on to for the week (nothing too precious in case it gets ruined, just something special) to help them feel connected even though I'm far away.

For myself, I'm going to take a little video of them and keep it on my camera for the week.  Although, that might make me cry more!

I looked for a Youtube video about FFHM, but I could only find one that showed their milk & peanut butter ministry.

The area is a very poor area, and many kids are lacking protein in their diets.  So FFHM distributes 11,000 gallons of milk and 5.5 tons of peanut butter every year!

*update My friend Heidi made a slide show after she went on this trip last year:

Accidental Adoption...

This is hilarious!  I found it over at Waiting for You

Adoption by Accident
Author~ Unknown

Have you ever noticed that you hear all the time about "accidental" pregnancies, but never about couples who experience "accidental" adoptions? Can you imagine:

- --Honey, sit down. I have some news for you.
- --What is it?
- --Well, I don't know how to say this, so I'll just come out with it. I went out to the mailbox today and ... well, we got an I-171H.
- --A what?!? An I-171H? As in, we're going to have another baby?!?
- --It looks that way.
- --But how? We've been so careful! I put away all the blank I-600A forms. Didn't you hide our homestudy update?
- --Of course I did. But don't forget, there was that one night ...
- --What night? (Pauses) Oh, that night. But it was only once. We were just messing around. I didn't print clearly. I didn't even use ink! (Pauses again) But it was kind of fun.
- --(Giggles) it was, wasn't it? I'll never forget how cute you looked getting your fingerprints.
- --So now we've got our I-171H, eh? But that doesn't always mean you'll adopt, does it? I mean, shouldn't you see the agency or something, make sure everything's okay?
- --I already did.
- --And?
- --I'm five documents along.
- --Five documents! And they're all notarized, certified and authenticated okay?
- --Just great. There was one small scare when the agency couldn't see the notary's middle initial, but it showed up just fine under the magnifying glass.
- --Thank God. And you honey? Are you feeling okay?
- --I'm feeling fine. As long as I know you're happy about this.
- --Happy? I'm thrilled! It's always a shock at first when something like this happens, but of course I'm happy!

God has e-mail?

For a while now (hmmm, months or maybe even a year already) I have strongly felt the tug to adopt again.  The urge has only grown stronger, although realizing this dream may take years to see through.  I've mentioned it here and there, but I feel like I've kept the seriousness of my convictions a secret.

Why?  Well, timing.  And finances.  And timing with the finances.

I've prayed.  Prayed.  And prayed some more.

And yesterday, God sent me an email.  For real.   The first email in my in-box yesterday was You are God's plan for the Orphan.  I started laughing and called to Tim "Hey, God sent me an email!"

It was really from James Dobson.  Actually, it was probably from his staff.

The email was just another nudge in a direction I feel we are starting to walk in.   (It talked about the website The Cry of the Orphan.  Check it out, there is so many different ways to help.)

If you've been reading this blog, you may already have an inkling of where I think our next baby is coming from.  I am hoping, but am not certain, that there is a baby for us in Liberia.  Who knows, maybe two babies... I'm flexible. (grin)

I'd like to work with Acres of Hope.  And if we do, we'll probably see if we can put up a One Dollar Adoption web-site.  We'd apply for grants if we can.  If we need to.  I just don't know where we could scrape together $30,000.  Well, we can.  It would just take time.  We need a new roof, a different car (we just found out on Friday that our current car doesn't have much time left), plus we've been working on becoming debt-free.  We've got a ways to go.

As a small human, with limited perspective, I don't see how we could entertain thoughts of international adoption at this point in our lives.

(but the thoughts won't go away.)

Another reason to love November...

November is National Adoption Awareness Month!

I'll be posting some adoption links throughout the month.

Here are a couple to start with:

The Cry of the Orphan

and

Perspective Press

On Safari

We went on Safari over the weekend.  To the Milwaukee Zoo.  The kids are both at ages that make this fun and easy!  What do I mean by "easy"?  Well, for starters, this was our first diaper-free visit!  Also, our first stroller-free visit (although, that only worked because Daddy was there with a strong pair of shoulders to ride on.  If we ever go during the week without him, you can bet I'll have a stroller along!)

Another element of fun for the trip was our company.  Iris' birth-mom was free this weekend, so she met us there and brought her sister along.  We haven't seen her sister in a long time, it was very nice to see her and Iris has always really enjoyed spending time with her. (Not to mention it enhanced the "easy" part of the trip having two extra sets of hands!) 

It always makes me smile to see how naturally relaxed Iris is around her birth-family.  Even as a baby (during the days of stranger anxiety) she seemed to have a natural bond with her birth-family, no matter how long it had been since we had seen them last.  I'm so glad we chose an Open Adoption.  The approach we took to it, and the one we're passing on to Iris, is that we are one big family (not two family that she should feel pulled between.)  While the average person might think this is awkward, it's really not.  It's kind of like marriage.  When I married Tim, his family became my family, for better or worse.  When Iris became our daughter, her birth-family became our family, for better or worse.  It really helps that her birth-mom is so incredibly mature and balanced.  She has always supported us, and is so respectful.  I consider her a dear friend.  Because we are friends we have discussed and will be able to discuss things in the future concerning this relationship.  She loves the little girl she gave birth too, and has always acted in Iris' best interests.

Early on, I knew that she would always have a special place in Iris' heart.  One I could never fill.  I also knew that if I didn't acknowledge this it would hurt Iris.  We are so blessed that we can have a healthy relationship with her birth-mom.  One based on love and trust.  I truly believe Iris will grow up more grounded and whole because of it.  Each and every year Iris understands and processes more and more of what Adoption means for herself and her identity.  Like a flower opening one petal at a time.  Because of society's preconceived and incorrect ideas surrounding Adoption (a pdf), as a parent I need to be extra vigilant that this flower is not bruised in the process.

Those of you that know Iris know that this kid is not lacking in self-confidence! She is secure in who she is and likes to grab life by the horns.  There is a special exhibit at the zoo right now.  In the moment it was just fun, but as I sit and ponder it, it has become more of a metaphor for our life. 

There were two petting pools this weekend.  One filled with Sting-Rays and one with Sharks.  Iris was game from the minute she heard about it.  With no fear she thrust her little hand in the water time and time again.  She spent at least an hour between the two pools.  At feeding time, we got a cup of raw shrimp and she fed the sting-rays with her bare hands.  She was a little nervous at first, but we were all there to reassure her, to monitor the situation. She could relax and have fun because there were 4 grown-ups, that she knows love her with all their hearts, watching her and making sure she was safe.  It was perfectly natural and seamless as the kids went between the two pools.  And so it is with the dangers of life.  As Iris becomes more aware of the reality of life, with it's disappointments and pain, her safety net is larger and stronger for the relationships in it.

When I tell people that we have an Open Adoption, they are usually apprehensive and voice concern (which amazes me to no end, we get so much unsolicited advice when it comes to our kids.  As if adoption and infertility makes us not as knowledgeable or qualified to make good decisions for our kids.)  We are so aware, as a society, that there are so many kids in terrible situations, with no one at home to parent them.  So many children experiencing neglect....  My daughter has so many people that love her.  My family, my husbands family, her birth-family, our church family, the friends we consider family... I could go on and on.  If it takes a village to raise a child, Iris is very blessed.  Her village is a booming metropolis!  And I, her mother, rest in this and lean on all of this support. 

Can a child have too many people that love her?  Can a child be loved too much?

Those are a couple of questions in life with very easy answers....

Thank You!

Adoption

I just want to thank everyone that left a comment, as well as all of those that sent emails.  I will get back to you, one by one, but I wanted to say a big collective "Thank You" right now.  I really appreciate it. 

So far, we're still waiting to hear back from the agency.  They said they'd give us an update this week.  There is another couple that has said they'd like to adopt the baby, though they aren't from our agency.  Whatever happens, we're just praying for the safety and health of the baby, and clear direction for all those involved.

I told my parents, and although they have their reservations, they will support us however it turns out, like they always have.

I told Iris too.  I explained to her that God might have a baby for us, and it was growing in someone else's tummy.  I told her it was a little girl (YOU MEAN I MIGHT GET A BABY SISTER????)  and that she has something called Down Syndrome and it will never go away.  What it means is that even though her body will "grow up", she'll stay a little girl "on the inside" forever.  And that is hard for some people, but if God allows it, it means He thinks we would be able to do it with His help.  She was just sooooo thrilled about it, but understands that it might happen and it might not.  We just have to wait.

We have sort of decided that if we do get to be this baby's parents, her name will be Ruby.  God's precious jewel.  (I've tried to find Twila Paris' song "Jewels", the one I couldn't stop singing in my mind the day we got the call, but all I can find is the lyrics.  (Scroll down to the second song)  It's an incredibly beautiful lullaby.)

I love poetry, and two poems (or more like a poem and a short story) that I'm loving right now are Wait and Welcome to Holland.  Wait is something that was given to me 11 years ago when we started down the path of infertility, and it has brought me a lot of comfort over the years.  It's kind of a multi-purpose poem, and speaks to any kind of waiting.  I read Welcome to Holland years ago, and a dear knitter (thanks Laurie!) recently reminded me of it. In the midst of all of this, I'm trying to spend more time in my Bible, and one of my favorite verses seems to be popping up again and again:  Ephesians  3:20-21 (ASV) "Now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, unto Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus unto all generations for ever and ever.  Amen."

Amen indeed!

 

Christmas Stockings

I am never sure when St. Nick is supposed to come, is it the night of the 5th or the night of the 6th?  I looked it up on Wikipedia, and it seems it's the night of the 5th.  Bummer.  I am only 2 rows into Iris' stocking. I have to finish the shop's newsletter first, and then I can try to knit for 24 hours straight and finish the stocking in time?  Maybe not....

Bonne Marie had a link on her blog today for a festive slide show.  Check out the Scared of Santa site!  I have a few photos of my own I could have contributed!

Random Web Stuff

I decided to post some ideas for Christmas presents for knitters.  I'll try to include some in every post in December.  Patterns, notions, sheep stuff, whatever I come across.  Like:

The Amazing Sheep

Herd the Sheep Game

Knuddelschaf   (Snuggle sheep?) (teething toy for babies)

A wonderfully festive Christmas hat  (take some time to browse some of her other patterns too...  WOW....)

The already mentioned Sock Bag

Well, I'm sure you won't hear from me until after St. Nicks day (my kids are home-schooled, they'll have no idea what day St. Nick is supposed to come.  It could be the 20th for all they know.... Iris is just learning how to read a calendar, I think I'm safe... this year at least.) (Am I a terrible mother, or what?) 

Oh, okay, I'll try to finish it on time....